Here's supper for you..
3:16am.. and I'm still awake.. I couldn't make myself sleep.. listening to Acid Jazz now.. Acid Jazz gives a very surreal feeling.. puts things in slow motion.. chatting with a fren of mine from Penang.. a 30 year old guy.. sorta like accountability partner person.. learned a lot from him thru the years.. especially in BGR.. haha.. hope he gets married soon.. he deserves it probably.. after going thru so much.. he's moving to kl so I probably won't get to see him much anymore..
You know it's times like these when our mind starts to think - many things rushing thru my mind.
I was lying down in bed and I wanted to be lost. To not know where I am. I spoke to myself in BM. I realised how bad my BM has become. I recalled my mom asking me to read Berita Harian to improve the language. I verbalised my old addresses back home.. "Solok Tan Jit Seng".. "Lorong Lembah Permai 3".. I asked myself how many years would I still be in OCF, whether I have outlived my usefulness there. By the end of 2005 the remaining few friends dat I know well would've graduated and left Melbourne. No more peers, only younger ppl with whom frenships are hard to forge. I couldn't picture how things would be like in 2006. I was afraid. Afraid I made the wrong choice to stay on in Australia after I graduated. I evaluated whether the person I am now is better than the person I was 5 years ago. I wanted to walk down the streets at night, sit by a bus stop and watch the lone cars drive by every 20 minutes. I pictured how nice it'd be to haf frens dat I can freely call and say "eh.. wanna go safeway wif me?" and feel excited about it.. I resigned to the fact that I could do it only in my first year in melbourne.. n not anymore..
I prayed for my brother and his career, that he will be financially prosperous. I prayed for the health of my parents. I planned in my mind to sit down with my mom and ask her about my growing up years, allowing her to recount the good n the bads she had wif me. I put in my agenda a session with my dad, just asking him how he managed to save so much money n send his children overseas. I wanted to learn how to invest, how to do the same for my kids. I thought of my grandma, and I wondered if there'll come a day when I visit her she'd look past me cos she wouldn't recognise who I was anymore cos her memory has failed due to old age. When I call her on the fon she wouldn't be able to recognise my voice anymore, not able to say "ah Willie... ho bo?". No more promises that she'll cook me my favorite dishes when I go back, no more wondering when I'll go home next. I wanted to ask her of her stories of young, what she had to go thru, things that made her laugh. I wanted to know wat she tot were her failures in life, and to draw strength from the fact that she got up again n again. I pictured having to fix up a new PC for my dad to use, as my old ones at home are not working dat well anymore.
I tried to imagine how church back home would be like, whether the new building would appeal to me. I wondered if I could serve in church, n still feel the familiarity of being a part of them for 9 solid years. I recalled serving in every area possible, not excluding washing the toilet or hlping my youth pastor do every mundane work he wanted me to. I pictured how I'd b serving in the next few years, probably in Citylife Church Hobsons Bay. I tried to imagine myself getting involved with their Young Working Adults group.
I talked to God about wat I wanted to experience in future, how I'd like to haf a good job, earn enough money, meet my wife and haf no problem courting her, haf kids, give them names, watch them grow and in the end grow old with my dear lady. I tried to negotiate with Him, knowing that I'd hafta accept it eventually if all these aren't in His plans for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amazing isn't it what can go thru my mind from 2:00-3:16am.
Amazing isn't it, I still can't fall asleep now at 4am.
WillZ
You know it's times like these when our mind starts to think - many things rushing thru my mind.
I was lying down in bed and I wanted to be lost. To not know where I am. I spoke to myself in BM. I realised how bad my BM has become. I recalled my mom asking me to read Berita Harian to improve the language. I verbalised my old addresses back home.. "Solok Tan Jit Seng".. "Lorong Lembah Permai 3".. I asked myself how many years would I still be in OCF, whether I have outlived my usefulness there. By the end of 2005 the remaining few friends dat I know well would've graduated and left Melbourne. No more peers, only younger ppl with whom frenships are hard to forge. I couldn't picture how things would be like in 2006. I was afraid. Afraid I made the wrong choice to stay on in Australia after I graduated. I evaluated whether the person I am now is better than the person I was 5 years ago. I wanted to walk down the streets at night, sit by a bus stop and watch the lone cars drive by every 20 minutes. I pictured how nice it'd be to haf frens dat I can freely call and say "eh.. wanna go safeway wif me?" and feel excited about it.. I resigned to the fact that I could do it only in my first year in melbourne.. n not anymore..
I prayed for my brother and his career, that he will be financially prosperous. I prayed for the health of my parents. I planned in my mind to sit down with my mom and ask her about my growing up years, allowing her to recount the good n the bads she had wif me. I put in my agenda a session with my dad, just asking him how he managed to save so much money n send his children overseas. I wanted to learn how to invest, how to do the same for my kids. I thought of my grandma, and I wondered if there'll come a day when I visit her she'd look past me cos she wouldn't recognise who I was anymore cos her memory has failed due to old age. When I call her on the fon she wouldn't be able to recognise my voice anymore, not able to say "ah Willie... ho bo?". No more promises that she'll cook me my favorite dishes when I go back, no more wondering when I'll go home next. I wanted to ask her of her stories of young, what she had to go thru, things that made her laugh. I wanted to know wat she tot were her failures in life, and to draw strength from the fact that she got up again n again. I pictured having to fix up a new PC for my dad to use, as my old ones at home are not working dat well anymore.
I tried to imagine how church back home would be like, whether the new building would appeal to me. I wondered if I could serve in church, n still feel the familiarity of being a part of them for 9 solid years. I recalled serving in every area possible, not excluding washing the toilet or hlping my youth pastor do every mundane work he wanted me to. I pictured how I'd b serving in the next few years, probably in Citylife Church Hobsons Bay. I tried to imagine myself getting involved with their Young Working Adults group.
I talked to God about wat I wanted to experience in future, how I'd like to haf a good job, earn enough money, meet my wife and haf no problem courting her, haf kids, give them names, watch them grow and in the end grow old with my dear lady. I tried to negotiate with Him, knowing that I'd hafta accept it eventually if all these aren't in His plans for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amazing isn't it what can go thru my mind from 2:00-3:16am.
Amazing isn't it, I still can't fall asleep now at 4am.
WillZ
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home