Broken pieces...

When the worst happens, or almost happens, a kind of peace comes. I had passed beyond grief, beyond terror, all but beyond hope, and it was there, in that wilderness, that for the first time in my life, I caught sight of something of what it must be like to love God truly. It was only a glimpse, but it was like stumbling on fresh water in the desert... I loved him because there was nothing else left. I loved Him because He seemed to have made Himself as helpless in His might as I was in my helplessness. I loved Him not so much in spite of there being nothing in it for me, but almost because there was nothing in it for me. For the first time in my life, there in that wilderness, I caught what it must be like to love God truly, for His own sake, to love Him no matter what.
(Frederick Buechner, in John Ortberg’s Love Beyond Reason)

None as apt as this. God, there is nothing else left... there is nothing else left. This is as broken as broken can be.

A cold dark journey ahead, one that is not uncommon to men, one of which I cannot see the end.

Abba, You are too wise to be mistaken. You are too good to be unkind. I don't understand. I don't see Your plan. I cannot trace Your hand. =( ...I can only trust Your heart.

Father, thank You for those that cried with me today. Thank You for those that are waiting for me patiently. Thank You for the ones who are praying for me on the other side of the world when they don't even know me by name. Thank You for those that have loved me despite my unlovable condition. Thank You for those that forgive me daily. Thank You for those that have ran alongside me for years. Thank You for leaders that love me to bits and believe in me more than I do myself. Thank You for those who listen, and correcting in love.

I don't deserve them, yet they have loved me like they would themselves. Loved more than a neighbour.

Thank You Father for not seeing me when You look at me but for seeing Jesus. Thank You for giving me tears. Thank You for storing my tears.

It won't be overnight... but see me through the night till it's over. You decide Lord when it will be over. One day my joy will be full. One day I will be able to smile again. Refine me in such a way that my internal condition will be steadfast when my external condition changes. Let the glory be only Yours, let the healing boast of You.

Here I am to worship. When I am lost may I be found only in Your courts before Your throne.


WillZ